$67 Million Dollar Pants?

I've been following this court case a little bit, simply because this is the reason why I hate lawsuits.

To sum up: a dry cleaners lost a pair of pants. The man then tried to sue for $67 million dollars because there is a sign "guaranteed satisfaction." He is claiming he's asking so much because he represents the millions of abused customers. He also forgot to mention that he claimed bankruptcy a year ago and can't find a job.

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WASHINGTON (AP) - A judge ruled Monday in favour of a dry cleaner who was sued for US$54 million over a missing pair of pants.

The judge's decision said Custom Cleaners did not violate the city's Consumer Protection Act by failing to live up to Roy Pearson's expectations of the "Satisfaction Guaranteed" sign once displayed in the store's window. Judge Judith Bartnoff of District of Columbia Superior Court ordered Pearson to pay the court costs of defendants Soo Chung, Jin Nam Chung and Ki Y. Chung.

Pearson, an administrative law judge, originally sought $67 million from the Chungs, claiming they lost a pair of suit trousers and later tried to give him a pair that he said was not his.
He arrived at the amount by adding up years of alleged law violations and almost $2 million in common law claims.

Pearson later dropped demands for damages related to the pants and focused his claims on signs in the shop, which have since been removed.

Chris Manning, the Chungs' lawyer, argued that no reasonable person would interpret the signs to mean an unconditional promise of satisfaction.

The Chungs said the trial had taken an enormous financial and emotional toll on them and exposed them to widespread ridicule.

The two-day trial earlier this month drew a standing-room-only crowd and overshadowed the drunken driving trial of former mayor Marion Barry.

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If I was the judge, here is how I would have settled it.

First, I would order a donkey to kick Pearson in the nuts for being retarded, greedy, abusing the court system and an opportunistic slug.

Then, I would order the dry cleaners to go to Wal-Mart and buy Pearson a new pair of pants, costing roughly $50--and that's probably a great pair of pants from Wal Mart! Along with the new pants, I would have them apologize for losing his pants.

Then, as the real judge did, I would have Pearson pay for all the dry cleaner's legal fees and legally change his name to Jack Ass after berating Pearson for being a leech on society and claiming this frivolous lawsuit would make him a hero to all American consumers.

He lost his pants. He should get his pants back with an apology. Be thankful for what he's got. Shut the hell up. Go home and find another dry cleaner.

Elephants and Bamboo Rafts

One of the first things we did when we arrived in Chiang Mai, Thailand was to arrange a day trek of elephants, bamboo rafting and hill tribes.

It was a drizzly day with a light but cooling rain spraying us as we moved about. Our first stop was at an elephant training centre.

We were told we could buy a bag of bananas and sugar cane to feed and make friends with our elephant for 20 baht ($0.66). Looking at the size of the bag, we thought for sure one bag would last us the entire trip (30 minutes). But then we quickly remembered just how big elephants are and how small bananas are.

Our elephant, named Orangatang (or something like that) ate our bag of bananas like Rosie O'Donnell would eat at a free smorgasboard of M&Ms and Oreo cookies. He'd put his trunk over his head and leave it there, snotting over us with his breath.

We'd give him one or two bananas at at time but came back as soon as he could feed the tiny, over ripe morcel into his enormous mouth. Fortunately, there were four "banana shops" conveniently located along the path with just the right amount of bananas and sugar canes stuffed into a plastic bag, also for sale for 20 Baht.

Orangatang, the elephant slash banana-poop maker, ate through five bags of food.

If we ran out, he'd just leave his trunk on his head. After a while, I figured out that if I slap the top of his head, he'll take his trunk away.

Our elephant was the leader. Clearly bigger than everyone else's, but Ron and Yvette's elephant was the proud and slow moving mother of Lucy, the four month old baby who desperately tried to keep up with mom's big steps.

As you can see, all the elephants were trained get their free meals.

After a slow tromp through a well beaten path in the forest, we visited a hill tribe called the Hmong ('H' is silent). And what a disappointment that was. No one was around until they heard us coming, then about three of them waddled down to their posts and began to benignly carve, wittle, or stitch some ornamental junk that would surely be thrust into my face later on in Bangkok, preceded by "Hey mister! You want scarf?"

Gee thanks. It's a million degrees out but I could use an extra layer of warmth.

We got out of there relatively quickly and moved to our bamboo white water rafting adventure. Our guide told us that this trip normally lasts an hour but due to the fact that the rainy season has come two weeks early, the water is so high and fast, that it would only be 20 minutes long!

When we saw the rafts, I think we all collectively shit our pants. About 20 feet long, and maybe four feet wide, we were told to sit directly on the bamboo. Cold and oh-so comfy!

As soon as we hit the first set of rapids, we realized that we were in no danger of tipping into the churning and silt filled river because the rafts were so long and disappointingly slow moving.

Despite the slow movement, Debbie still screamed her head off as we went through it all. I tried my best to yell back to her that she really needed to keep her mouth closed.

It was over in a flash and we were cold, wet and filthy but it was a great day.

The photo to the left is my "bird's eye view" of our river guide. You can see how wide and comfy it is.

Thai "ladies" of the Night

Thailand, especially Bangkok, is known for its red light district (the Patpong District). What I didn't know, was that the island of Koh Samui is also known for its prostitution, and that nearly 75% of all prostitutes are actually men. And boy, are they aggressive!

Debbie and I arrived on Koh Samui and walked down the main strip. We stopped to read a menu outside a nice looking restaurant. During the read, my attention was drawn to a racket behind me. Curiously, I turned around to see two girls dressed in typical Muay Thai kick boxing uniforms, giving me the blow-job sign from a second floor bar called Mosquito Bar. Odd name because I don't think they sucked blood.

I giggled and told Debbie. When she turned around, they gave her the same signal! I think they either wanted her to send me upstairs, or maybe they were actually men and wanted it from her! Either way, neither one of us were going to indulge.

A day or so later, a group of us were walking past a bar with several ladies out front when one of them grabbed my arm and tried to pull me in. Debbie was just behind me and said "no, no, no! He's mine."

To which the prostitute replied, "I just kidding. Just kidding! Happy time!" It was quite funny and we all laughed, including Debbie and the prostitute.

Then, Debbie and Steph were getting ready to pose for a photo while sipping a fruity tropical drink on a patio bar when a couple of "ladies" walked behind them. Thinking quickly--which was a stretch after sitting in the sun all day and working on my second large Chang beer--I zoomed the camera in and took a photo. Upon quick inspection, they look like female prostitues. Then if you zoom in, you'll notice the girl on the left has sasquatch feet about size 11, the makings of an adam's apple and she may or may not have been glad to see me if you know what I mean.

I've done you the pleasure of zooming, cropping and resizing the picture to focus on the gigantic package, feet and Adam's apple.

They were coming out the Na Na Bar. Notice the sign above it. At least that one is almost subtle. We found another bar that, in big white letters across the door, a sign that clearly said "No Condoms Required." Yikes. Could have been false advertising. Maybe there weren't a brothel and therefore condoms aren't required. Maybe suggested for your cleanliness and comfort, but not required.

I'll tell you about our adventures actually in the Bangkok red light district later.

Asian Impressions

I'm back from my 4 week stint travelling across South East Asia; Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand to be exact.

I loved it. The people I was with, the people we met, the places we were, the foods we ate, the stories we made and the memories we'll have.

I've travelled to many countries and once again, after my return I feel like Canada, North America and probably the entire Western culture has gotten turned around all in a huff to be some where to do something.

But when we stop to think about what we're doing and ask ourselves "Why?", we probably can't tell you why we do the things that we do. There are so many outside driving factors in everything we do, think and say, we're lost in our own ignorance.

Travelling down the Mekong Delta either on metal long boat, luxury cruiser, or rowing our own boat amongst the floating villages, one thing seemed clear to me: relax, be happy, and worry about what you have, not what you don't have.

As we puttered down the river, children would fight to be the closest to the river to yell "Hello! Hello! Hello!" with the biggest smiles while waving their entire arm like a flag blowing in a tornado. They would push each other off the dock, boat or floating log so they could be noticed.

Even the adults couldn't hide their enthusiasm. While they didn't put as much physical effort into greeting random strangers they'll never see again, their smiles gave away their enthusiasm. You could tell, for some strange reason unbenownced to most Westerners, they were genuinely excited to see you, if only for long enough to catch your attention and get a wave in return. When was the last time you saw a foreigner or even just a stranger and gave such a big warm smile and said hello?

Hopefully over the next few days, or likely weeks, I'll post stories--serious and comical--along with some of my favourite pictures.

My favourite pictures are of the children and families bathing or playing in the Mekong River.