Summit Fever: The Adventures of Jeff

Bacteria and Bathroom Habits

2007-12-04T18:09:00.000-05:00

Over the past few months I've been trying to drink more water, particularly during work. Over the course of my 8-4pm I usually drink between one and two litres of water. But since I've been doing that, I'm also going to the bathroom every 30 minutes and as a result I've had some time to nice some disturbing behaviours and I may have come up with the dirtiest thing on any given body.

First of all, the number of people who don't wash, or fake wash their hands is troubling. You'd think grown men would wash their hands but a good number simply flush, tuck their shirt in and back to work. "Hi Betty, here is my report for you along with some poo particles. You going for lunch in a few minutes?"

A significantly higher number of men do the fake-wash or the bacteria bath. This is when you turn the tap on, rinse your hands for three seconds and consider your hands cleaned. When all that was really accomplished was that you just gave the germs on your hands either a drink or a bath, but either way, they're still there and they're refreshed.

Even if you're from the school of thought that, "Well I don't piss on my hands," it's still a good idea to wash your hands at least a few times a day and since you're in the washroom, you might as well do it then.

One time after relieving myself I came to the conclusion that the dirtiest, most bacteria infested things are not door knobs, toilets, telephones or keyboards, but belt buckles. Whether you wash, fake-wash or don't wash at all, what is the one thing we all do before we are SUPPOSED to wash? We tuck our shirts in and do our pants up, including the belt. (So technically, the pant button and fly are in the same category).

Time and time again, we handle the belt buckle between pissing or dropping a deuce and washing our hands. You can make the valid argument that our pants get washed so the fly and button are not so bad, but I can't say I've ever washed a belt (on purpose) and I wear one of two belts every day, so the germs must be just stacking up. Knowing that brings a whole new level of fear when I think about the times I got the belt for being a retard.

"Oh no! Dad, I'm sorry! Not the belt please! Do you know what's on that thing??!!"

I suppose the proper thing to do would be to do the penguin waddle over to the sink, wash your hands and then do your pants up, but if we can't get 75% of the population to wash their hands with soap, I can't really see that happening.

Speaking of which, it's about 6:30pm. Regularity is great.

Dalai Lama in Toronto

2007-11-21T20:53:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago Debbie and I listened to one of the Dalai Lama's public talks. We had 5th row seats and it was my second time and Debbie's first time listening to him.

As we walked down the stairs onto the Roger's Centre floor we both looked at each other and commented on how it felt like we just walked through a wave of good energy. It was pretty powerful and neat that we both felt it at the same time.

He began his talk by saying he's not here to convert anyone. He's not here to talk to us a religious leader, a spiritual leader or a political leader. But he was there to speak to us about how to achieve world peace which will not be achieved until we can create inner peace and peace within our own minds.

He said he doesn't want anyone to convert to Buddhism but instead, he wanted everyone to explore their own faith more deeply and passionately while opening their hearts and minds to other religions, not to judge other religions or not to try to convert others to your own (stupid missionaries--see a few posts from several months ago).

What a great message and I'd like to see if other religious leaders would say that. Not likely. I believe both the Pope and the Supreme Leader of Islam recently said that everyone should just convert to their respective religions in order to acheive peace.

He said it's not until we accept others for no matter who or what they are, that we can even begin to live in real, sustainable peace.

If His Holiness ever comes back around again, I will definitely go to one of his public talks and encourage others to go as well. If other world, spiritual, community, political or religious leaders listened and acted on his message this world wouldn't be in such the mess that it is.

Been A While

2007-11-19T18:48:00.000-05:00

So, it's been several months since my last post. I've had a bit to say but just not the motivation to write it out and really, most of what I've got to say lately is just a bunch of complaints and I don't really want to turn this blog into a complainer's forum. I'd rather keep it happy and ignorantly blissful.

I've got a few funny adventures to post, but they're better with sounds and actions and therefore don't really translate well into writing (or maybe that just makes me a weak writer).

Plus life seems to be in a bit of a boring lull. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Sleep. Repeat.

I've taken up rock climbing but I don't know any of the lingo so I can't effectively write about the time my partner dropped me 30 out of the 35 feet to the ground (plus 96% of the people reading this don't know the lingo anyways). To sum it up: I completed a climb (35 ft), rope was new and slippery, partner at the bottom popped the break too much and in a second I was screaming all the way down to within 5 feet of my death or horrible crash. Good times. I'm glad my leg straps of the harness was tight. That way it kept the shit from dribbling out of my shorts.

That's about it for exciting stories.

Preparing for the Great St. Marys' Beer Tent

2007-07-23T18:55:00.000-04:00

Every year, on the fourth weekend of July is the St. Marys Fair. And for those over the age of 16, it is known simply as Beer Tent (BT) weekend.

Everyone and their dog goes and the BT is probably the only reason why anyone comes to the fair. By midnight, the "tent" is packed shoulder to shoulder with everyone from the mayor, university students home for the summer, high school students, teachers, farmers, factory workers, bums, and even the town prostitute. If we're lucky, a few Stratford and London prostitutes will come out and a reverse bidding war will start!

"I'll do it for $50."

"I'll do it for $40!"...and so on until someone yells, "For Christ's sake Mom, go home! You too sis!" Good times. Good times.

The event is held on the parking lot of the arena, with a large canvas tent covering a portion and the rest of it just on the large gravel and hazardous pot-holes that land-mine the way to the urinals.

Every year, it is a right of passage for all the underage kids to sneak into the BT from behind the urinals. Oh--and the entire area is securely fenced off with orange, perforated snow fencing.

There is also an unwritten rule that only those without penises use the urinals and the men discharge their crystal clear Labatts Blue pee behind the urinals, exactly where the under-agers try to hop the fence--and usually fall. All of this is assuming bladders don't burst when they trip in the pot-holes on the way to sweet urinary relief.

It's so blatently obvious who is underage or at least new. They are the ones who have rolled in warm puddles of pee to get into paradise and claim it as a spilled beer. Then "chug" their beer and yell "Woo." Chug is in quotes because they only ingest a mouthful because they use the rest of the cup to wash the piss out of their shirts.

Every year, the same sequence of events happen. I run into at least four people who insist we get together sometime soon and then take the next 15 minutes summarizing the past year of their life since we last saw each other at the previous BT. Make arrangements to get together despite a total lack of interest and without the slightest intention of following up with them.

There will be at least one fight which is eventually broken up by the police, followed up with the loser's friends yelling at the cops.

Then the highlight...everyone runs like retarded AND drunken buffalo to the Sammy Souvlaki truck who comes into town one weekend a year and despite the drunken small town red necks, make enough money to take the rest of the summer off. Probably spent hosing the puke off the sides of the trailer.

Souvlaki, gyros and poutine at 2:00am while more drunk than Rhea Pearlman and Danny Devito are every time they get intimate is fantastic. That mental picture alone makes me want to drink.

Coincidentally, stain remover and bleach fly off the shelf the following week. A great business opportunity would be to sell plastic bibs that say "I ate at Sammy's during Beer Tent and my shirt now only smells like piss and beer."

This happens Thursday, Friday and Saturday every fourth weekend of July. Without fail.

The feat of surviving all three nights of drunken debauchery is known as making the Triple Crown. This year, I'll be making the Double Threat (two nights) and the Debbie will be making her first ever BT appearance. I'm undecided whether I'll send her over the snow fence behind the urinals or not but this is St. Marys; the Queen of England herself would have to go over the fence if she wanted to be accepted.

$67 Million Dollar Pants?

2007-06-25T15:46:00.000-04:00

I've been following this court case a little bit, simply because this is the reason why I hate lawsuits.

To sum up: a dry cleaners lost a pair of pants. The man then tried to sue for $67 million dollars because there is a sign "guaranteed satisfaction." He is claiming he's asking so much because he represents the millions of abused customers. He also forgot to mention that he claimed bankruptcy a year ago and can't find a job.

********

WASHINGTON (AP) - A judge ruled Monday in favour of a dry cleaner who was sued for US$54 million over a missing pair of pants.

The judge's decision said Custom Cleaners did not violate the city's Consumer Protection Act by failing to live up to Roy Pearson's expectations of the "Satisfaction Guaranteed" sign once displayed in the store's window. Judge Judith Bartnoff of District of Columbia Superior Court ordered Pearson to pay the court costs of defendants Soo Chung, Jin Nam Chung and Ki Y. Chung.

Pearson, an administrative law judge, originally sought $67 million from the Chungs, claiming they lost a pair of suit trousers and later tried to give him a pair that he said was not his.
He arrived at the amount by adding up years of alleged law violations and almost $2 million in common law claims.

Pearson later dropped demands for damages related to the pants and focused his claims on signs in the shop, which have since been removed.

Chris Manning, the Chungs' lawyer, argued that no reasonable person would interpret the signs to mean an unconditional promise of satisfaction.

The Chungs said the trial had taken an enormous financial and emotional toll on them and exposed them to widespread ridicule.

The two-day trial earlier this month drew a standing-room-only crowd and overshadowed the drunken driving trial of former mayor Marion Barry.

*****************

If I was the judge, here is how I would have settled it.

First, I would order a donkey to kick Pearson in the nuts for being retarded, greedy, abusing the court system and an opportunistic slug.

Then, I would order the dry cleaners to go to Wal-Mart and buy Pearson a new pair of pants, costing roughly $50--and that's probably a great pair of pants from Wal Mart! Along with the new pants, I would have them apologize for losing his pants.

Then, as the real judge did, I would have Pearson pay for all the dry cleaner's legal fees and legally change his name to Jack Ass after berating Pearson for being a leech on society and claiming this frivolous lawsuit would make him a hero to all American consumers.

He lost his pants. He should get his pants back with an apology. Be thankful for what he's got. Shut the hell up. Go home and find another dry cleaner.

Elephants and Bamboo Rafts

2007-06-19T19:11:00.000-04:00

One of the first things we did when we arrived in Chiang Mai, Thailand was to arrange a day trek of elephants, bamboo rafting and hill tribes.

It was a drizzly day with a light but cooling rain spraying us as we moved about. Our first stop was at an elephant training centre.

We were told we could buy a bag of bananas and sugar cane to feed and make friends with our elephant for 20 baht ($0.66). Looking at the size of the bag, we thought for sure one bag would last us the entire trip (30 minutes). But then we quickly remembered just how big elephants are and how small bananas are.

Our elephant, named Orangatang (or something like that) ate our bag of bananas like Rosie O'Donnell would eat at a free smorgasboard of M&Ms and Oreo cookies. He'd put his trunk over his head and leave it there, snotting over us with his breath.

We'd give him one or two bananas at at time but came back as soon as he could feed the tiny, over ripe morcel into his enormous mouth. Fortunately, there were four "banana shops" conveniently located along the path with just the right amount of bananas and sugar canes stuffed into a plastic bag, also for sale for 20 Baht.

Orangatang, the elephant slash banana-poop maker, ate through five bags of food.

If we ran out, he'd just leave his trunk on his head. After a while, I figured out that if I slap the top of his head, he'll take his trunk away.

Our elephant was the leader. Clearly bigger than everyone else's, but Ron and Yvette's elephant was the proud and slow moving mother of Lucy, the four month old baby who desperately tried to keep up with mom's big steps.

As you can see, all the elephants were trained get their free meals.

After a slow tromp through a well beaten path in the forest, we visited a hill tribe called the Hmong ('H' is silent). And what a disappointment that was. No one was around until they heard us coming, then about three of them waddled down to their posts and began to benignly carve, wittle, or stitch some ornamental junk that would surely be thrust into my face later on in Bangkok, preceded by "Hey mister! You want scarf?"

Gee thanks. It's a million degrees out but I could use an extra layer of warmth.

We got out of there relatively quickly and moved to our bamboo white water rafting adventure. Our guide told us that this trip normally lasts an hour but due to the fact that the rainy season has come two weeks early, the water is so high and fast, that it would only be 20 minutes long!

When we saw the rafts, I think we all collectively shit our pants. About 20 feet long, and maybe four feet wide, we were told to sit directly on the bamboo. Cold and oh-so comfy!

As soon as we hit the first set of rapids, we realized that we were in no danger of tipping into the churning and silt filled river because the rafts were so long and disappointingly slow moving.

Despite the slow movement, Debbie still screamed her head off as we went through it all. I tried my best to yell back to her that she really needed to keep her mouth closed.

It was over in a flash and we were cold, wet and filthy but it was a great day.

The photo to the left is my "bird's eye view" of our river guide. You can see how wide and comfy it is.

Thai "ladies" of the Night

2007-06-08T21:18:00.000-04:00

Thailand, especially Bangkok, is known for its red light district (the Patpong District). What I didn't know, was that the island of Koh Samui is also known for its prostitution, and that nearly 75% of all prostitutes are actually men. And boy, are they aggressive!

Debbie and I arrived on Koh Samui and walked down the main strip. We stopped to read a menu outside a nice looking restaurant. During the read, my attention was drawn to a racket behind me. Curiously, I turned around to see two girls dressed in typical Muay Thai kick boxing uniforms, giving me the blow-job sign from a second floor bar called Mosquito Bar. Odd name because I don't think they sucked blood.

I giggled and told Debbie. When she turned around, they gave her the same signal! I think they either wanted her to send me upstairs, or maybe they were actually men and wanted it from her! Either way, neither one of us were going to indulge.

A day or so later, a group of us were walking past a bar with several ladies out front when one of them grabbed my arm and tried to pull me in. Debbie was just behind me and said "no, no, no! He's mine."

To which the prostitute replied, "I just kidding. Just kidding! Happy time!" It was quite funny and we all laughed, including Debbie and the prostitute.

Then, Debbie and Steph were getting ready to pose for a photo while sipping a fruity tropical drink on a patio bar when a couple of "ladies" walked behind them. Thinking quickly--which was a stretch after sitting in the sun all day and working on my second large Chang beer--I zoomed the camera in and took a photo. Upon quick inspection, they look like female prostitues. Then if you zoom in, you'll notice the girl on the left has sasquatch feet about size 11, the makings of an adam's apple and she may or may not have been glad to see me if you know what I mean.

I've done you the pleasure of zooming, cropping and resizing the picture to focus on the gigantic package, feet and Adam's apple.

They were coming out the Na Na Bar. Notice the sign above it. At least that one is almost subtle. We found another bar that, in big white letters across the door, a sign that clearly said "No Condoms Required." Yikes. Could have been false advertising. Maybe there weren't a brothel and therefore condoms aren't required. Maybe suggested for your cleanliness and comfort, but not required.

I'll tell you about our adventures actually in the Bangkok red light district later.

Asian Impressions

2007-06-05T21:37:00.000-04:00

I'm back from my 4 week stint travelling across South East Asia; Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand to be exact.

I loved it. The people I was with, the people we met, the places we were, the foods we ate, the stories we made and the memories we'll have.

I've travelled to many countries and once again, after my return I feel like Canada, North America and probably the entire Western culture has gotten turned around all in a huff to be some where to do something.

But when we stop to think about what we're doing and ask ourselves "Why?", we probably can't tell you why we do the things that we do. There are so many outside driving factors in everything we do, think and say, we're lost in our own ignorance.

Travelling down the Mekong Delta either on metal long boat, luxury cruiser, or rowing our own boat amongst the floating villages, one thing seemed clear to me: relax, be happy, and worry about what you have, not what you don't have.

As we puttered down the river, children would fight to be the closest to the river to yell "Hello! Hello! Hello!" with the biggest smiles while waving their entire arm like a flag blowing in a tornado. They would push each other off the dock, boat or floating log so they could be noticed.

Even the adults couldn't hide their enthusiasm. While they didn't put as much physical effort into greeting random strangers they'll never see again, their smiles gave away their enthusiasm. You could tell, for some strange reason unbenownced to most Westerners, they were genuinely excited to see you, if only for long enough to catch your attention and get a wave in return. When was the last time you saw a foreigner or even just a stranger and gave such a big warm smile and said hello?

Hopefully over the next few days, or likely weeks, I'll post stories--serious and comical--along with some of my favourite pictures.

My favourite pictures are of the children and families bathing or playing in the Mekong River.

Rowboat ride through the Mekong Delta Floating villages

2007-05-07T20:18:00.000-04:00

Ha Long bay

2007-05-07T20:14:00.000-04:00

Catapults and Lip Chap

2007-04-24T20:48:00.000-04:00

In preparation for my trip to SE Asia, I checked the carry-on restrictions. Did you know that I can't bring a catapult as a carry-on? Are they serious? I'm so disappointed!

But realistically, they probably had to put this on the list because some retard tried to bring one on a flight and argued and probably tried to sue the airline because he couldn't bring his catapult into the passenger cabin.

According to Air Canada, all carry-on liquids and gels must be in a see-through container no larger than 100mL and individually sealed in resealable bags. Whatever. But what I'm seriously concerned about is my lip chap.

I am so addicted to lip chap, that I honestly can't go more than eight hours without using some...and that's not a happy eight hours. One time I went 24 hours and I nearly checked myself into an insane asylum. I don't know what they put into lip chap, but I bet it comes from Columbia and a lot of people died and a lot of people got rich getting it into the country.

Will my lip chap be considered a "gel" and therefore be contra-ban since it's not in a see through container??? The flight from Toronto to Hanoi, Vietnam is over 24 hours!

If they take it, I'll have chewed off my lips before I get to Vancouver. I guess I won't even be able to catapult myself out of the plane when I go nuts!

I know I have a problem when I stash lip chaps where ever I frequent. I've got two at work, one in my car, one in Debbie's, one in my hockey bag, kitchen, bedroom, dining room and under the coffee table. I'm also packing three in my checked luggage and one in my pocket for the flight.

And my lips aren't even chapped. If I go without, my lips feel like they are on fire, burning and feel like they're peeling and cracking even when they're smoother than the day I was born.

Oh well. Maybe Debbie can smuggle me some on board.

The New You Tube

2007-04-21T09:52:00.000-04:00

I was shown this website, Funny or Die, which is supposed to rival You Tube. Unlike You Tube, when you post a stupid video, it stays on forever. On Funny or Die, if your video is voted not funny, it goes into the crypt to die. I've checked out some of the videos and I think a lot are about to go into the crypt.

There is one funny one called The Landlord starring Will Ferrell. Check it out here.

Funny

2007-04-19T17:59:00.000-04:00

Jeopardy Degree

2007-04-17T20:28:00.000-04:00

A co-worker and I were talking at lunch about what we'd do if we won a small lottery; small being $1,000,000.

I had my usual answer of taking a year leave of absence and travelling the world but she had a great idea that I really like.

She'd quit and go back to school to become a Jeopardy champion. She'd take geography, American history, world history, American and world politics, religions, basic biology, chemistry and physics, pop culture (movies, music, and TV), world literature, Shakespeare and a few others, all in an obsession to be a Jeopardy champ!

If I were a professor or dean, I'd make a four year program called Trivia Master Degree Program, and to get your Masters Trivia Master Degree, you'd have to win one Jeopardy game but for your PhD you'd have to win at least four consecutive games.

Take that Ken Jennings!

Check out this link here. Click on the one that says "Sean Connery, French Stuart, and Burt Reynolds -- Turd Ferguson; A Petit Dejeuner." I tried to find it on YouTube so I could embed it into this post, but I can't find it.

12 Days Until We Go

2007-04-14T10:19:00.000-04:00

We've got 13 days until we leave for Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand! We're pretty excited.

We fly in to Hanoi, Vietnam and meet up with good friends Brent and Steph who are just about finished teaching english in S. Korea. Then a day later, our friends Ron and Yvette get in.

At that point, we are going to tour Halong Bay on a junk boat (not a literal translation) then scoot down to Ho Chi Minh for a day or so.

Then we cross into Cambodia and see the Killing Fields in Phnom Penh (Nom Pen), travel north to Siem Reap to see the sunrise at Angkor Watt.

After that, we move to Chiang Mai in north Thailand where we will do bamboo rafting, elephant tours, ancient hill tribes and the more adventurous stuff before flying to the island Ko Samui for some R&R on a white sand beach resort, then head to Bangkok.

I have always heard stories but thought they were urban legends but in the Lonely Planet book, it talks about "ping pong shows" in the red light district! Pop! Pop!

Nothing is really planned because we are just going to do what we feel like, when we feel like it. Each day we'll ask the hotel or guest house to arrange the next day's tour or else we'll just take two steps onto the street with our packs on and I'm guessing it'll take less than 30 seconds for someone to come up and offer their tour guide services.

Either way, we leave here April 26th (Debbie's 28th birthday) and fly home from Bangkok May 25th.

Shitty-th Birthday

2007-04-08T19:07:00.000-04:00

So this weekend, Easter Weekend, was my 30th birthday. I'm not into birthdays what-so-ever, but literally, this was my shittiest birthday ever.

I had the worst diarrhea ever! Non-stop from early Thursday morning until Saturday morning and I'm not even sure what caused it.

Possible cause #1. KFC and salmonella: Tuesday night the Debbie brought home some Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner (Two Dollar Tuesdays!). It was delicious and appeared fully cooked. Debbie didn't get sick, but the timing of my sickness would match the timelines of food poisoning (8-12 hours after consumption).

Possible cause #2. Unknown and gastric enteritis. The KFC tasted fine, was fully cooked. I have no idea. I question salmonella and food poisoning because I didn't puke. Just a lot of poopy.

It all started Wednesday around 2pm when my guts started to yell at me and by 5pm I was spray painting the toilet bowl like a blind gangster in a hurry. But it gets even better!

Due to some issues, Debbie had to leave for some family issues over night so I was all alone. About 3:30am, I got up to do the deed. When I finished, I went downstairs to have a drink of water and swallow some more pepto. As I'm finishing my water, I feel myself get all weak, very hot and my vision goes all white, the usual pre-cursors to passing out. Recognizing this, I knelt on the floor to get ready and sure enough, down I went.

I don't know how much longer after, I was woken up because I almost shit my pants so I fought my way to the downstairs washroom where I had the worst episodes ever! Sweat was dripping off my face, I quadrouple flushed before I finally finished.

I clean up, take one step, then next thing I know I wake up lying on the welcome mat at the front door while using my shoe as a pillow (surprisingly comfy at that point). I laid there for a few minutes figuring out what to do and my train of thought was quite interesting.

I knew I needed help, but I didn't want to call 911 because they'd come with sirens and lights cause a commotion in the hood. Cancelled that idea.

I could call the hospital emergency department, but didn't want the commotion and I didn't know the number.

I could call Debbie, but she's in Hamilton and has her own issues to deal with and doesn't need to worry about me.

I thought I could drive myself in a few minutes to the hospital...but I don't know where they are. Plus I did have a moment of clarity when I thought I shouldn't drive if I can't even walk or stand.

So, in the end, I decided I would get a Jolly Rancher candy and go back to bed.

Of all the international adventures I've had and all the illness I've picked up from those, I've never had anything that lasted so long. It was horrible!

Anywho, I've now had solid food for a day and a half and am feeling tremendously better.

New House

2007-03-26T16:35:00.000-04:00

Now that I've maybe out of my blogging slump, I'm ready for another.

A couple of weeks ago, Debbie and I bought a new house. It won't be built until August 2008 which is nice so we can save like mad. It's only about 3 blocks east of where we are now but it's tremendously bigger. Currently, we're in a townhouse of 1150 square feet. The new house will be 2050 square feet.

Here is a link. We're elevation A, 36 foot lot: Fernbrook Homes

The artist drawing is a little deceiving. There will be no 100 foot, 50 year old trees and neighbours will be 8 feet away on both sides. It would be great if we got the house exactly like the rendition!

We'll probably do a private sale in the spring of 2008. Avoiding real-estate fees will save us $15,000!

Now all I need to do is convince Debbie to sell it and move to Nepal. I checked out real-estate in Nepal and you can buy a 2000 square foot, 3 story house, gated property, servants' entrance and quarters in Kathmandu for $88,000US! We could live like royalty over there! Sigh.

Tired

2007-03-25T21:04:00.000-04:00

So I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I just haven't had the interest in sitting down to write anything. I've got lots to write about (bought a new house, hockey, sick, politics, stupid thoughts, trip to Asia, etc.) but I've just been very uninspired. Plus I've been quite sick going on for 3 weeks now.

I will, however, do a quick rant. I'm getting pretty tired of people asking me when I'm going to get married to Debbie. I'll do it, when I'm ready and if I like you, you'll get an invitation. If I really like you, I'll give you a phone call first (or more realistically Debbie will be doing the calling).

The next person who asks, I'm going to look them in the eye and say, "I don't know. When are you going to start losing weight?" (Nine times out of ten, it's a girl saying it. Guys don't care except for one apparently.)

If you ask me a personal question which is none of your business, I'll ask you a personal question which is none of my business.

Someone Debbie knows, whom I have met a grand total three times in two years, cornered me and asked me that question two weeks ago. Did he really expect me to confide in him? Or did he think he was asking an original question and that a light would go off in my head and I'd say, "hey, that's a great idea"? I don't even know his last name, where he lives, what he does for a living. I was barely able to remember his name when he came to the door and he thinks I'm going to tell him anything?!

Having posted this and knowing people read it, I'm sure I'll get tested soon whether I answer the question with the weight loss question. I hope I do have the balls to say it and I can't wait to see the look on people's faces.

Find Waldo

2007-03-01T18:13:00.000-05:00

My friends Brent and Steph were recently in China. Brent is tall. Can you find him? I stole this picture off his flicker website. http://thedumpinghole.blogspot.com

Bring Me Home Neil

2007-02-26T23:44:00.000-05:00

Twice last week, I was in a bit of a grump and a Neil Diamond song came on; Cracklin' Rosie and Sweet Caroline. Classics.

A few years ago someone told me, "it's hard to be unhappy when you're singing at the top of your lungs." Who ever that was, is a genius.

Puttering down Regional Road 25 hollering "Cracklin Rosie git on board/We're gonna blah blah blah blah/stay for a while/make the world smile/Cracklin Rosie you're a store bought woman/you make this guitar feel like hummin'/Say it now! Say it now! My baby blah blah blah words words words." I think because I don't totally know the words, it also made me laugh a little. Plus I got busted singing a few times but I just smile and danced in my seat.

Sweet Caroline is another story. I could recite those words backwords if I wanted and I even do hand motions too. I put on a good traffic jam show really. Sometimes I mix it up with steering wheel drum solos, but most often I play the gear shift guitar.

I highly recommend Essential Neil Diamond if you're new to the joys of the greatest singer-song writer of bubble-gum love songs ever.

Questioning The Greatness of Sliced Bread

2007-02-12T19:33:00.000-05:00

I would like to know just how good the invention of sliced bread was.

We've all heard the saying "best thing since sliced bread," but before that, what was "the best thing", wiping your ass?

How bad were things, that the thought of taking stale, saw dust and rat dropping filled bread and slicing it, made people excited? How stupid were people to have not thought of that sooner?

"You slice your bread?...I...uh...started doing that ages ago, back in 512BC at least."

Was slicing your bread "the new black" or "the new gay"?

How simple life must have been to be so excited over slicing your loaf instead of tearing at it. I wish life was that simple now but instead we've got wars, pollution, crime and people who shop at Wal-Mart.

Or maybe life was so bad, that such a simple thing as slicing bread made the world take notice? I suppose that when sliced bread was likely invented, people were worried about the bubonic plague, saber tooth tigers, and male chastity devices which had sharp spines on the inside of the ring, hungrily waiting enlargement.

"Coming up in in today's news, a tyranosaurus rex ate 17 people and Corg sliced his bread. More at 6." Of course that would likely be beaten into a drum and danced out or puffed in smoke signals.

But really, how great was the invention of sliced bread? I suppose it lead to the creation of things like jams, jellies, peanut butter, toasters, mayonaise/Miricle Whip (same thing) and Montreal Smoked Meat Sandwiches. Sliced bread has probably injected trillions of dollars into the global economy: sandwich shops (Subway, Mr. Sub, Quizinos, NY Deli, etc.), bread knife makers, and toaster factories and all the people who work behind the scenes on production, planning, sales, and transport.

And let's not forget that without sliced bread, deli-meats had no home. 90% of left-over holiday turkey was thrown out before sliced bread because they had nothing to do with it other than soup. Since then, thanks to turkey sandwiches--and sliced bread--that number has been greatly reduced.

Sliced bread has even survied the pita fad of the late 90's and the more recent anti-carb wrap craze. Not to be confused with M&M, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince or Jay Z (or Jay Zed as he's known in Canada).

On the down side I guess it did spawn Vegemite and ruin many people's mornings when their toast came out burnt.

Country Covers

2007-02-06T18:39:00.000-05:00

I enjoy a good cover or remake of a song, but I must say that country artists should not be allowed to either cover or remake a song, unless it was originally a country song or your name is Johnny Cash. They all suck! Anything Johnny Cash covered was amazing from U2, Soundgarden, Nine Inch Nails to Depeche Mode, it was damn cool.

For example:
The Wilkinsons' Fast Car, Tracy Chapman original
Rascal Flatts' Life is a Highway, Tom Cochrane original
Unknown, Lips of An Angel, Hinder original
Luther Wright and the Wrongs, Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 2, Pink Floyd original (this one is so bad, it's funny and I actually like it. It's like a spoken word hill billy version.)
Mark Chestnut, I Don't Want To Miss a Thing, Aerosmith (written by Diane Warren)

I've only heard the country version of Hinder's Lips of an Angel once and didn't hear who was singing it, but what a joke that is. The singer has no passion, no 'umph' in his voice and the rental band he brought in for the recording session also needs a shot of adrenaline. I'm not even really a big fan of that song either.

However, I do really like Tracy Chapman's Fast Car. That's a beautiful and soulful song that the Wilkinson's just butcher. It's a very simple song too. The chords are very repetitive and so is the melody but they managed to shit the bed on the remake.

I know there are likely many more country remakes that I can't think of at the moment (and maybe even a few good remakes), but who ever owns the rights to the original song should be allowed to revoke and destroy the remake if the remake sucks (according to me). I just don't like it when they butcher a rock or folk song.

Worst Hockey Players Ever

2007-02-05T22:30:00.000-05:00

Let me set the scene for you.

My hockey team is in first place in our division, riding a nine game winning streak.

We're playing the #2 team, who is two points behind us in the standings with just four games left in the regular season.

We come from behind, 3-0 to tie the game, sending it to overtime shoot-out.

I get chosen as the third shooter which isn't an unreasonable choice, but clearly there would have been many better choices.

We shoot-goal. They shoot-save. 1-0
We shoot-save. They shoot-save. 1-0
They shoot-goal. 1-1 and I'm the last shooter and can win the game.

I take the puck, skate in quickly. The whole time I was thinking "shoot on the ice, stick side while moving glove-side." I get in close...see my corner...shoot...

And the puck flips off my stick and I don't even get a shot off. So I said, "fiddle-dee dee. I suck-didly-uck!"

So now the shoot out is tied 1-1. We shoot-save. They shoot-goal. They win. Maybe I won't sign up for the Thai hockey team.

On the bright side, I'm not Patrick Stephan.

It's Been A While

2007-01-30T19:05:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I put something truly tasteless up. Do yourself a favour, go to YouTube and do a search for "farting preacher." You'll be glad you did.

Looks like there is up to #5. Here's #2 and #5. I can't find the rest, but I really didn't look.

Moving to Thailand for Hockey

2007-01-29T17:08:00.000-05:00

That's it. After reading this article, I'm moving to Thailand to play professional hockey. And with only 40 players in all of Thailand to chose from, I've got a great shot! I bet I could even make the team as a goalie and the last time I played net in a real hockey game was when I was five years old.

52 goals in a 60 minute game...ouch. That horn going off would give me a headache. But really, what a bunch of jack-asses the Kazakhs are. 52 goals? Stupid Borat. Nice sportsmanship. Maybe when it was 15-0, someone should have said, "Okay guys, lets work on passing and our zone play." If I scored a goal beyond that, I'd feel bad and ashamed. Who scored the 52nd goal? I'd kick his ass.

"We are sportsmanlike.....................................................NOT!"

I just found the Thai World Hockey League and on their homepage they had a Rush song playing (a Canadian band). Coincidence? Probably not because I'm guessing the league is run by a Canadian x-pat. Looking at the photo, half the team is white, but there is a girl which is good. Too bad she's not the one wearing the pink sock.

From Yahoo.ca news:

CHANGCHUN, China (AP) - Kazakhstan put 52 goals past Thailand in Asian Winter Games hockey action Monday, but the goal that brought the most cheer came from the outgunned Thais.

The Asian ice hockey guys went into the game knowing they were going to lose to tournament favourite Kazakhstan, but an opportune goal seven minutes into the third period was celebration enough in the 52-1 loss.

The hero was forward Arthit Thamwongsin, who jumped on a rebound off the boards to slam a shot past Kazakhstan goaltender Sergey Ogureshnikov.

Up to that point, the highlight for the Thais had been when defenceman Terani Harnnarujchai bodychecked one of the linesmen into the boards.

"They are just an outstanding team," Thailand's American coach Michael Rolanti said of Kazakhstan, which competed in the Turin Winter Olympics.

"I think it was a good game for us because we did not give up."

Rolanti is a former college player at Rennselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, N.Y., who was managing a chain of English schools in Bangkok when he was asked to help coach the national team.

"We only have about 40 guys in the whole country to pick from," said Rolanti.

The Thais were outshot 97-7, with six of those shots coming in the third period as the Thais managed a few chances, including one breakaway which was stopped by Ogureshnikov.

Rolanti said there are only two ice rinks in Thailand, which lost 4-0 to the United Arab Emirates in its opening game.

Kazakhstan's leading scorer was Oleg Yeremeyev, with seven goals.

Kazakhstan also had an easy time in its first game, beating the UAE 38-0, and is expected to meet Japan in the final Saturday.

Hong Kong is another tournament minnow, coached by former Vancouver Canuck David Saunders.

His players range in age from 19 to 49-year-old Samuel Wong, the captain and goaltender.

Saunders played for the Canucks in 1987-88, worked on Wall Street and set up an emerging markets trading desk in Hong Kong.

While there, he became an investor in a company building Hong Kong's first full-size hockey rink, which opens this summer. That led local sports officials to ask him to coach the team.